I visited mom the other day and for the very first time, I came away without any tears. I have gotten to the point where I can block out the pain, be there for my mother, and forge ahead in my duties as a "good daughter." I'm learning to do the same thing with my running. Running for me is hard-it always has been. I do it, because when I'm finished, I feel great, and many times I even feel good during a run. Lately, I have experienced that inevitable point during a run where everything is on autopilot-my brain processes no pain, it does not concentrate on discomfort-it just "gets the job done." Usually, for me, that comes at around mile 4 of a long weekend run.
What a relief it is to visit mom and to be on "autopilot." Maybe I have finally come to the point in this journey where I can block out the pain of losing my mother. What a wonderful feeling it is to run on "autopilot" and feel like I could go on forever! I like "autopilot" mode. I think I'll stay here for a while.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Well, I've taken 6 days off from running due to a pesky bout with plantar fasciitis. Lots of emotions come into play here-guilt, remorse, frustration, to name a few. I've substituted my running with hours of spinning on a stationary bicycle at the gym. I feel good mentally. Today I am happy. I've also done something that may come as a surprise to others. I've taken a break from visiting my mother. No, not 6 days, just 2, and I feel the same sense of guilt, remorse, and frustration. Yet, I am happy today. I think sometimes we need a break from the things or the people we love when we are hurting. My foot hurts. My heart hurts to see my beautiful mother with stubble on her chin. I ran today, and it was great, but my foot still hurts. I will see mom tomorrow, and my heart will hurt. But today I am happy.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I started running, first to get away from my problems, and then to help solve and conquer them. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease and I am losing my mother to it every day. It has been a hellish year for me, but the running is helping me cope with the loss and the constant grieving for a living person. I ran my first half marathon on May 6, 2007 and it was quite a feeling of accomplishment. My running mantra is "I can do anything," and I am aspiring to that. I have taken my dad in to live with my family and me and visit mom mostly every other day. I will post here to try to inspire others to run not just for physical well-being, but for emotional well-being and mental stability. My friends at my marathoners posting board have been a tremendous emotional support, as well as a true source of inspiration for my running. We are a group of diverse women (and sometimes men) who live their lives and share the thread of running and running with a purpose. Ciao for now. Lisa